Zachary Bucharest/The Vanguard

Now that the sun has started to shine, it inevitably means that Zach Vishanoff will break out his easel and get to work painting Eugene in bloom. As such, the state of Oregon will be requiring a new conspiracy theorist to take his place. Enter Professor John Hall of Portland State.

In an insane story, Hall has accused one of his students — a former Israeli Defense Forces member and contracted mercenary — of being an agent provocateur and an FBI informant.

It started when Zachary Bucharest brought a deconstructed and firing pin-less AR-15 to class for a presentation in November. After months of interaction with Bucharest, Professor Hall had decided he was dangerous to the PSU community. In January, Hall called Bucharest out during a class session, and presented a letter he’d written to the local FBI office.

In the letter, Hall makes several cliche, paranoid references like “As you would [already] know…” The story seemingly tangles itself considering Hall took a campus safety officer to class with him to “pat down” Bucharest — a violation of his privacy — to look for a gun (lets not forget OUS/PSU rules that violate the 2nd Amendment either).

As a result, Hall has been suspended with pay pending investigation into the matter. There are so many directions to go with this story, so much input it’s hard to know where to start. For starters, Bucharest brought an AR-15 to campus, violating PSU’s “rules” against firearms — a sticky situation in itself.

Then comes the attack by Hall, asking a campus officer to do an illegal search of Bucharest. Combine that with the fact that a tenured professor going off about a secret FBI informant in his midst is going to seem a little batshit crazy (even if he did somehow hit the secret hotspot).

For Christ’s sake, even if Bucharest is an FBI informant, what is Hall expecting with that letter? I’ll save you the long, rambling read but the professor ends his letter with a warning to the FBI that he will, “Inform my students’ parents of this likely threat.” Was Hall expecting the FBI to come out and say, “Wow. You really got us, John. We tried to slip it past you but you were too on the ball. Great job!”

This may be serious business a little farther north, but from where I’m sitting this is just plain funny.

Apparently a few police officers in Clackamas have had their feelings hurt by a local man, Robert J. Ekas. According to an article by the Oregonian, Ekas has been arrested several times in the last few years for offering his middle finger to passing officers as a sign of civil protest.

Ekas gave the finger to a deputy in July 2007 while driving near Clackamas Town Center, according to the lawsuit. With the deputy in pursuit, Ekas said he opened his sunroof and again extended a middle finger. The deputy turned on his flashing lights. Ekas stopped and was cited for an illegal lane change and improper display of license plates. He was acquitted of the charges.

Apparently Ekas has filed a lawsuit in the matter, and I really hope he wins it. The purpose of the police force is to “protect and serve.” It is not an uncommon feeling among our citizens that often times they do not fulfill those duties.

What it boils down to is the fact that Ekas has a right to free speech, even if it is a daily bird-flipping to a sheriff. I’m glad to see that self-important traffic cops got their panties in a fuss. It might help them to understand the law next time.

Proposed State of Oregon Senate Bill 1018 has a noble cause–stopping drunk driving. Unfortunately, it also carries with it the essence of the nanny state. The bill would allow for police departments all over Oregon to set up roadblocks to catch drunk drivers.

SECTION 1. (1) As used in this section, “sobriety checkpoint” means a roadblock established for the purpose of apprehending persons who are driving while under the influence of intoxicants in violation of ORS 813.010.

Of course, anyone who’s been caught by the EPD in an end-of-the-quarter ticket sting knows that roadblocks like the ones proposed in the bill will inevitably act as a means of guaranteed tax generation. And you best believe that most of the tickets issued won’t be for “issues pertaining to sobriety”. Nay, these roadblocks act as way to nickel-and-dime ordinary citizens (or at the very least, harass them). And what better way to do it? Why have actively patrolling police officers, wasting gas and time when you can just pay a few sheriffs to hang out, let the money come to them and check to make sure everyone has their papers in order?

These laws are the precursors to systems like that of Britain, in which–I kid you not–the roads have “average speed” cameras. They don’t just take a picture of your license plate as you drive by, they actually make you average at or below a set speed between a certain distance.

I’m not sure what the state legislation is thinking on this one. Maybe they were tired of us not paying the toll for driving on the King’s road.

R.I.L.F. Kim Thatcher (R-Keizer) helped push the initiative for more governmental transparency.

The State of Oregon launched a website this week that is supposed to act as a large step forward in governmental transparency. The website, which is found at www.oregon.gov/transparency has several categories for enraged voters to pour over including: State Budget, Agencies and Performance, Revenue and Expenditures, Contracts and State Employment.

The press release included:

“The Department of Administrative Services (DAS) has been working on the site for the past six months and they were able to develop this new venture using existing resources. “I was very pleased to see the “can-do” approach from DAS, especially during tough budget times,” Thatcher noted, “the upcoming tax measures have generated a lot of questions from voters about the state budget and this new site should help them dig down for some answers.”

Representative Kim Thatcher (R-Keizer) is one of the names attached to the movement and the website, but to be honest I was hoping for a better showing from my hometown representative. You see, after much clicking around I failed to figure out how much money the website itself had cost taxpayers to create. One would think that would be, you know… relevant.

Oh well. I suppose it is still a work in progress…

“Excuse me, Officer, but I’m on a very important phone call.”

Come January 1st the state of Oregon will join its sister to the south, California, in banishing the use of mobile phones for talking and texting while driving. The recent release from the EPD goes like this:

“HB2377 changes ORS 811.507 and specifically prohibits the use of “mobile communications devices” for talking or texting while driving unless the driver meets one of the specific exceptions. The main exceptions to the law are for drivers 18 years of age or over who are using a “hands free accessory,” drivers who are operating a vehicle in the scope of their employment and the vehicle is necessary for the person’s job, and for emergencies.”

Apparently the House isn’t a big fan of Mythbusters (or of common sense) or they’d know that the physical act of talking (holding the phone to your ear) is not the main cause of driver distraction during a phone call. Rather, the mental distraction – the act of talking – is the culprit. It should be noted that the ban on texting is probably more on point, seeing as how most people (except the “talented”) need to physically look at their phone while doing so.

What I am wondering is whether or not the House already knew this fact about cell phone usage in cars. Are they trying to placate enraged voters by passing “some” legislation, even if it doesn’t accurately address the “real” danger? Or are they actually so stupid they think that raising your arm above your waist while driving is too complicated for drivers?

Either way, the phone accessories station at Best Buy is about to get a whole lot busier.

Oh, and we’re all going to look like that guy.

We just added a new button (look to your right) underneath the “Current Issue” button that you can click and be able to purchase a copy of our book By the Barrel: 25 Years of the Oregon Commentator.

Clicking the button takes you to another page that has a short description of the book as well as a picture of the cover and a list of chapters. At the beginning and end of the page there is a link that allows you to purchase a copy of the book with your credit/debit card or with PayPal.

You can also click this link and it will take you to the same place.

For just $10 you get a book that’s hardbound, has a dust jacket and has 24-pages of glossy color in the middle. Increase your money’s utility this holiday season by giving it to us.

The following is an arranged cross-posting of trash talk between the Oregon Commentator and the Arizona Desert Lamp in preparation for Saturday’s football game vs. Arizona. Don’t like what’s being said? Feel free to trash talk back, and look for our rebuttal posting on the Desert Lamp website, www.desertlamp.com later today. Go Ducks!

At some point between reading the Wikipedia article on “Pete DeFazio” and the UODPS Security Report, I realized that Oregon is absolutely useless and boring and a waste of anyone’s time. The state is known for “mail-in voting” and Portland, which makes Idaho’s “We got dem potatoes!” marketing campaign sound almost appealing.

But the deal was already set. A submission was due! Cry “Havoc!,” and let slip the hounds of gin.

1.PIRG-loving schmucks

Oh, I can already hear the Commentariat whining in protest – “We’ve fought them for years! We exposed them for what they really were! We gave you all of the background material so that you could stop them in Arizona!” Whatever. Somebody had to give them a sense of legitimacy when they were still babes suckling on Nader’s sagging teat, and that somebody is the state of Oregon.

Speaking of taking shit from the worst entities on the face of the earth. . .

2.You gave the world Joey Harrington

As a Lions fan and Detroit-area native, there’s a lot to hate, generally. But Joey Harrington is definitely up on the list.

Look at this fucking love connection and its fucking love child

3.Sartorial “Shma-shmortion”

“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

~University of Oregon Athletic Director Mike Bellotti Oscar Wilde

Stupid people on the internet say, “OMG rly originall making fun of Oregon’s jerseyz.” And of course, being the Internet, this comment is supposed to be sarcastic, and is made in Mom’s basement while wearing battery-acid-colored pajamas.

But look: this is not a matter of originality, or trying to be cute. This is a serious issue that needs addressing. If Congress is having a commission on the BCS , it sure as shit needs to have a commission on this Ralph Lauren fever dream. Where is the FCC when you need them? (Protip: Finding strangers in the Alps .)

4.Duck-Tape

“So, dude, for Halloween, I duct-taped fucking wings on my shirt sleeves!”
“Uh, why’d you do that?”
“My mom made me. She thought I might get hit by a car at night.”

This is the college football equivalent of this shirt:

Minus, of course, the whole “bad-ass” aspect. In other news, Nike is in the process of designing a duck-beak shaped mouth guard.

5.Back-Brain Stimulants

Something about these uniforms reminded me of this quote:

In the control room the Technician mixes a bicarbonate of soda and belches into his hand: “God damned tenor’s a brown artist!” he mutters sourly. “Mike! rumph,” the shout ends in a belch. “Cut that swish fart off the air and give him his purple slip. He’s through as of right now . . . Put in that sex-changed Liz athlete . . . She’s a full-time tenor at least . . . Costume? How in the fuck should I know? I’m no dress designer swish department from the costume department! What’s that ? The entire costume department occluded as a security risk? What am I, an octopus?

OK, not really. I just got this from flipping to a random page in Naked Lunch . Works though, doesn’t it?

This is what happens to the Notre Dame helmets after Charlie Weis is done with them.

6.Make your own offense-to-all-that-is-decent-in-this-world!

This is a good idea, if potentially dangerous.

Seriously: what the fuck is wrong with your state? Washington has the purple-gold Huskies, and the scarlet-gray Cougars. Kinda butch-femme, but whatever. Meanwhile, fucking Oregon has to go out and have the Chernobyl-yellow-green Ducks play the construction-worker-orange Beavers. Shit like this is why health care is so expensive in this country.

The one thing that hasn’t been said, though, is the fact that UO has only adopted the all-white get-up (white unis, white helmets) on games before Labor Day. Which means that they actually care about shit like this.

Oh, you sad, sad shards of existence.

7.You bastards legitimized Boise State

Everything you needed to know about politics, you learned playing backyard football. And everybody knows that there’s that kinda obnoxious kid, who’s kinda big and probably pretty good. But the kid’s a real fuck – it doesn’t matter why, he’s probably Mormon or something – and nobody wants to hang out with him.

So one day you’re playing football and he says, “Hey, you mind if I play?” You don’t say, “Gosh, gee, sure thing Jimbo! Line up on the left side.” You say, “Fuck you, asshole, we’ve got even teams.” If he plays, and he’s good, you’ll never be able to get rid of him. Ever.

Boise State is that kid of the college football world. They wanted to play with the big kids, and the rest of the country said, “Fuck you, you’re from Idaho.” But not Oregon – nooooooo. So goddamn special. They just had to give the blue-fielded coxswains of the football universe a chance to prove themselves against a “real” team, and they did it – twice.

They were already yesterday’s news – after all the hooplah about beating Oklahoma, they lost to TCU in the fucking Poinsetta Bowl . But like that asshole Brendan Fraser, you just had to bring this national nightmare back from the crypt. (No, it’s not quite as shitty as the Mummy . But it’s close.)

And plus, Jesus Fucking Christ:

This is worse than what Keith Jackson sees in his ketamine binges. (You thought he just ‘retired’? Please.)

8.And you know keeping water fowl, for uh, domestic, you know, within the stadium. . .

Look at these two fucking love-birds

Arizona might have taken away our mascot’s guns , but at least they didn’t cut his balls off and turn him into a Chinese knockoff of a second-rate cartoon:

The nickname for Oregon’s first sports teams was “Webfoots,” coined by longtime Oregonian sports editor L. H. Gregory. The name originated from a group of fishermen from the coast of Massachusetts whose descendants settled in Oregon’s Willamette Valley. When the University of Oregon was founded in 1876, Webfoots was the natural choice for the school’s nickname, because of Oregon’s reputation for wet weather.

Sports reporters later changed the nickname to “Ducks,” and by the 1930s, a small white duck named “Puddles” began to appear to sports events. Beginning in 1940, cartoon drawings of Puddles in student publications began to resemble Donald Duck, and by 1947, Walt Disney was aware of the issue. Capitalizing on his friendship with a Disney cartoonist, Oregon athletic director Leo Harris met Disney and reached an informal handshake agreement that granted the University of Oregon permission to use Donald as its sports mascot.

When Disney lawyers later questioned the agreement in the 1970s, the University produced a photo showing Harris and Disney wearing matching jackets with an Oregon Donald logo. Relying on the photo as evidence of Disney’s wishes, in 1973, both parties signed a formal agreement granting the University the right to use Donald’s likeness as a symbol for (and restricted to) Oregon sports.

‘Webfoots’? ‘Puddles’? Fucking adorable. Too adorable, apparently, for the psilocybin-addled Nike “scientists,” who had to bring in “Mandrake”:

As the story goes, the idea behind the new mascot, which Bartko and other athletics officials call “Mandrake,” spawned from a spring basketball game. When Oregon was in Sacramento, Calif., playing Montana in the NCAA Tournament, athletic officials noticed advantages of having an agile mascot.

Creeps. Apparently, “Mandrake” looked like this.

Nightmare Duck will haunt your local Chinese restaurants

I was hoping that it’d look more like this.

9.They’re gonna kill that poor woman!

Look, I appreciate a good rivalry like any beer-blooded American. But I also understand that there is a certain line in those rivalries. Where that line is depends on what sort of hard liquor is on hand, but no matter what, “kidnapping of women” is on the other side of the line. Apparently, no such line exists in the state of Oregon:

Maybe the most ingenious stunt of all took place in 1957 when four Oregon student athletes, all members of Theta Xi fraternity, decided one night (when they were all bored out of their minds) that wouldn’t it be clever if they could show up at Oregon State’s Homecoming game with Washington State and actually kidnap their Homecoming court.

Which is exactly what they did. Posing as reporters from the Seattle Post Intelligencer, allegedly sent to Corvallis on assignment to do a story on OSC’s game with a Washington school, the three ladies of the court accompanied the “reporters” for a short car ride to Avery Park south of town to shoot photos. Almost right away, the car began heading north toward Salem.

For the next 12 hours the group stayed tucked away at the home of the parents of one of the kidnappers, enjoying a large meal and delighting at how much national publicity the whole story was beginning to generate, including reports that the entire Oregon State football team was out looking for the court. Because Homecoming Queen Pearl Friel was native Hawaiian, it was also rumored that football players from the University of Hawaii were threatening to travel to Oregon to deal with the situation.

This, mind you, is from the Oregon State write-up – topped only by this OSU Alumni summary:

However, the prank of all pranks took place just before OSU’s Homecoming game with Washington State in 1957. Posing as journalists from the Seattle Post Intelligencer, four UO athletes “kidnapped” Oregon State’s Homecoming court members and took them to Salem, where the home of one of the “nappers” was used to entertain the three coeds (the parents of the student had dinner waiting) for over 12 hours.

Because it happened in the ’50s, kidnapping is OK? Actual quote from one of the kidnappers: “We phoned our president’s office and were told that the prank was OK, provided we didn’t break any laws and if nothing ‘physical’ happened.”

You fucking people. Stay the hell away from our women.

10.Your bullshit trail killed Kenny

You bastards!

By the Barrel: 25 Years of the Oregon Commentator is now available for $10 in the UO Bookstore on 13th and Kincaid! The book is featured on a table as you walk up the stairs and also in the “University” section (go straight after the stairs, right corner).

The book sells for $10 in the store or you can order it online through the UO Bookstore’s website (www.uoduckstore.com) for $16 shipped to your door. (The book will be added to the site either today or tomorrow).

On a more personal level, the weight of the project hasn’t hit me until today after I saw it on the shelves with a UPC and everything. I’d like to thank everyone again for helping me out with special recognition to Guy, CJ, Owen, Scott, Bill, Fritz, Dane, Richard, Tom, Ossie, Tim, Olly, Drew, Dan, Ed, Mark, Bob, Chuck, Jon, Ian, Tyler, Ted and even the folks at the Emerald.

As always, you are also welcome to come down to room 319 in the EMU and purchase a copy from us as well.

Cheers.

Apparently LaGarrette Blount was reinstated today.
My opinion is, and always has been, that his suspension should have been a game, two at the most. Anthony Reddick, the player who used his helmet as a weapon and sparked a humongous brawl in 2006, was only suspended for four games.

If we are to take the FIU-Miami incident as precedent, LaGarrette punching one fat asshole and responding to racist Boise St. fans never warranted a full season suspension (at least not from a major football university like Oregon).

Then again, you could make the argument that no fighting should ever be tolerated and that both Reddick and Blount should have been tossed off their respective teams–meaning Reddick’s example and precedent is false.

It is my opinion, as a realist, that not only are emotions bound to run high in a setting like collegiate sports, but more importantly the universities make an insane amount of money off of our student-athletes. They don’t want to suspend these players.

Dare I ask you, the Duck fan, what your opinion is?

Don’t make me regret this now. Play nice with each other.

(From EDSBS and LSUfreek)

Martell Webster finished with 14 pts, 3 rebs and a block.

Well opening night came and went for the Trailblazers and I have to say, they looked pretty good. After watching the new combination of Steve Blake/Andre Miller terrorize the Rockets, it may just be that the point guard situation in Portland becomes some kind of two-headed monster. There’s just not many teams in the league who can put out a 2nd string that’s as good as Miller and I think that he’s going to end up killing the second teams of a lot of good NBA teams.

Although he looked like a broken marionette on offense, Greg Oden looks to have improved his patience on defense substantially. He finished with 5 fouls in 26 minutes while accumulating 12 rebounds and 5 blocks (Not fouling out the first game is a good step for Greg). If he can be a presence defensively and create a “bubble” around the paint he can have the same effect Yao Ming had on the Blazers last year in the playoffs (only, you know, on our side).

Continuing with the “homer” theme, how good is Aaron Brooks going to get? All of us who watched him at Oregon knew he was a great college player, but when you see just how quick he is compared to the rest of the professionals in the NBA it really puts his talent into perspective. That guy is going to be good.

Anyways, tonight was a good start to a good year. See you at the Rose Garden.

Reedies have never exactly been renowned for anything at all except for being rich, pompous and insufferable. Sadly, they can now add to that list “have a worse student publication than the Comic Press.” For a long time, I was convinced that student-run publications couldn’t get any worse than the UO’s own Student Insurgent. Then the Comic Press (neè The Weekly Enema) started putting out issues and the bar was really and truly lowered.* Alas, my attention has now been drawn to “The Pamphlette“,  a student publication at Reed College that has been embroiled in controversy after running an article charmingly entitled “LC  [Lewis & Clark -ed.] students kill Jewish people” after swastika graffiti was discovered in Lewis and Clark’s library.

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Reversing the Bush Administration’s absurd policy of prosecuting users of medical marijana, regardless of individual state laws, the Obama Administration has announced that it

will not seek to arrest medical marijuana users and suppliers as long as they conform to state laws…

Two Justice Department officials described the new policy to The Associated Press, saying prosecutors will be told it is not a good use of their time to arrest people who use or provide medical marijuana in strict compliance with state laws.

Score one for states rights.

(Via Instapundit)

The OSPIRG “Activist Toolkit”.

Yesterday Guy Simmons and I made an appearance at the OSPIRG meeting down in Suite 1. We introduced ourselves with our real names with no intention of hiding from who we are. We received a plethora of materials, including an “Activist Toolkit” that, among other things, included instructions on how to “rap” with kids about OSPIRG. (Because it’s still 1968 and the word “rap” is culturally relevant in that context)

The question I was asking myself as we sat down with these people was, “How are these people still here?” OSPIRG is not a funded or ASUO recognized group, yet they still have office space, computers, an internet connection, a phone and electricity (lights, etc) given to them at the cost of the EMU (and presumably the students).

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Sudsy’s first appearance, Summer 2001, Vol. 18, Issue 15

Today is the birthday of our beloved mascot, Sudsy O’Sullivan. He was brewed one drunken night at Rennie’s–concocted from the clip art of a mug of beer, the arm from Baby Herman (of Who Shot Roger Rabbit? fame) and the face of the Kool-Aid man.

A replacement for the Commentator’s “original” mascot, Kevin Smith’s “Buddy Jesus” from Dogma, Sudsy was immediately accepted by staffers and readers alike after his incorporation. He’s gone through a lot in his lifetime, including momentarily dying one summer when trying to turn himself into a giant boilermaker for the Commentator staffers. Truly, his giving knows no bounds.

Here’s to you, Sudsy! May this year be better than the last–and with more prarie fires.

Cheers