A few issues ago I wrote a “fake news story” about the Ol’ Dirty filling their news editor position with an orangutan named Pat. During a conversation with the Emerald’s business manager Kathy Carbone, she complimented me on the story as well as asked me, “It’s funny, but can you just write that? Or is there some kind of rules against writing fake, ridiculous quotes?” I told Kathy that anyone who thinks a chimp getting hired at a school paper is real was not worth my time. We never received any complaints.

Unfortunately, the same can not be said for the Vancouver Voice, ran by former OC editor-in-chief Ossie Bladine. In a section titled “Not Real News” they ran a fake story about a local business considering implementing casino games for children as part of their business model. Just wait, it gets better.

Apparently a local citizen called the Washington State Gambling Commission and the business is now under investigation. Now, I can understand Ossie’s problem of readers’ lazy eyes — I have read links to this very blog (mostly from Tea Party people who hate me) saying that “there’s not even an author to this blog!” when clearly, my name is directly under the title.

What is more confusing, however, is how on Earth anyone could think that a news organization like the Voice would run a straight news story about a children’s gambling establishment with no commentary or editorial substance. Is the generation gap becoming so large that The Onion is becoming a dividing line?

This is not the first time this year the Voice has had such confusion over a clearly labeled and clearly satirical article. In their Jan. 21 issue, the Voice ran a story about The Columbian changing its name to The Fort Vancouver Tribune. Apparently this caused some mental anguish for their readers, and Ossie had to formulate a very obvious, simply-worded note for his slower readers that read, We’d like to state that this was not quite real news–as in, we made it up.” 

In any case Ossie said, “From an outsider’s view, this is pretty funny. But for Big Al’s, a locally owned business that works hard to keep a family friendly image, not so funny.” But Ossie’s wrong, isn’t he? It’s not funny.

It’s absolutely hilarious.

Zachary Bucharest/The Vanguard

Now that the sun has started to shine, it inevitably means that Zach Vishanoff will break out his easel and get to work painting Eugene in bloom. As such, the state of Oregon will be requiring a new conspiracy theorist to take his place. Enter Professor John Hall of Portland State.

In an insane story, Hall has accused one of his students — a former Israeli Defense Forces member and contracted mercenary — of being an agent provocateur and an FBI informant.

It started when Zachary Bucharest brought a deconstructed and firing pin-less AR-15 to class for a presentation in November. After months of interaction with Bucharest, Professor Hall had decided he was dangerous to the PSU community. In January, Hall called Bucharest out during a class session, and presented a letter he’d written to the local FBI office.

In the letter, Hall makes several cliche, paranoid references like “As you would [already] know…” The story seemingly tangles itself considering Hall took a campus safety officer to class with him to “pat down” Bucharest — a violation of his privacy — to look for a gun (lets not forget OUS/PSU rules that violate the 2nd Amendment either).

As a result, Hall has been suspended with pay pending investigation into the matter. There are so many directions to go with this story, so much input it’s hard to know where to start. For starters, Bucharest brought an AR-15 to campus, violating PSU’s “rules” against firearms — a sticky situation in itself.

Then comes the attack by Hall, asking a campus officer to do an illegal search of Bucharest. Combine that with the fact that a tenured professor going off about a secret FBI informant in his midst is going to seem a little batshit crazy (even if he did somehow hit the secret hotspot).

For Christ’s sake, even if Bucharest is an FBI informant, what is Hall expecting with that letter? I’ll save you the long, rambling read but the professor ends his letter with a warning to the FBI that he will, “Inform my students’ parents of this likely threat.” Was Hall expecting the FBI to come out and say, “Wow. You really got us, John. We tried to slip it past you but you were too on the ball. Great job!”

This may be serious business a little farther north, but from where I’m sitting this is just plain funny.

(We apologize for the delay for the posters. Proper Facebook clearance was needed.)

As though the issue of hate speech on campus hasn’t been covered enough.

ASUCSD president Utsav Gupta pulled funding to 33 campus media outlets on February 20, following coinciding with perfectly with the dying Pacifica Forum outrage.

Apparently, “Jigaboo Jones,” a local radio shock-jock, organized a party he called the “Compton Cookout” with the help of several fraternity members. Jones, in his own off-color way of celebrating Black History Month, used the ghetto for the party’s theme. The facebook ad encouraged attendees to dress ghetto style, telling men to roll with their “Jersey’s, stuntin’ up in ya White T” and  women to “have short, nappy hair.” No fraternity houses hosted the party, although several members of the UCSD Greek community helped organize it.

Days after the party, outrage of the offensive stereotypes swept UCSD. And in politics, you cry to state litigators instead of mom and dad. Legislative pressure prompted UCSD authorities to launch an “aggressive investigation” (Why hello, Joe McCarthy) of the students involved in promoting the party.

UCSD publication “The Koala,” known for patently racist and provocative content, aired a public statement on SRTV objecting to the investigations. The statement used the words the words “ungrateful n—-rs” among other racial slurs, according to Adam Kissel of FIRE.

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Last night saw the Winter Olympics come to an end. America won the overall medal count and host country  Canada won the most gold medals. One victory celebration in general caused an uproar. The Canadian women’s hockey celebrated  their gold medal victory by smoking  cigars and drinking beer.

The International Olympic Committee  was not pleased with the celebration and called in the international hockey committee and the Canadian Olympic International  to inform them they will be investigating the situation. The biggest problem with the celebration according to media outlets is that 18 year old Marie Philip Poulin was photographed drinking beer, 19 is the legal drinking age in British Columbia.

Stories like this just prove that American media has become too sensitive. Poulin scored the only two goals in the gold medal game. She spends most of her time training in Alberta where  the drinking age is 18. Yes, there are different “states” in Canada, they are called provinces or territories,  for all the geographically ignorant. The team won the biggest game of their careers and achieved the highest level of success in women’s hockey. Let them celebrate with some beer.  They did not drink or smoke while spectators were in the arena, give them a break.

If a 18 year old wants to drink a Molson after winning an Olympic gold medal I say let them drink up. It’s an amazing accomplishment that many strive for their whole lives. If that person score the only two goals in the gold medal game, there should be people lining up to buy her a drink. This was a goal oriented successful young woman (pun intended) celebrating with her teammates , not some high school drop out getting drunk by the train tracks.

There was a letter to the editor in Monday’s Emerald signed by members of the Climate Justice League (Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, Heart!) denouncing the ACFC’s recent decision not to fund OSPIRG. In part, the letter said:

“Although OSPIRG provided all of the materials and information the committee asked for, ACFC never clearly articulated a reason to not fund OSPIRG, except a vague sense of uncertainty.”

Of course, those who have read anything about the ACFC’s decision understand that the ACFC clearly outlined why they decided not to fund OSPIRG. Even more surprising is that many of the signers of the letter — including Sen. Jeremy Blanchard — attended the meeting and heard the ACFC’s reasons in person. A response was printed yesterday, signed by ASUO Senate President Nick Gower and Sen. Demic Tipitino (in addition to many others, including myself) that said:

“The problems with OSPIRG were clearly articulated, and they have been for years. OSPIRG sends student money off campus to pay non-students to lobby for issues that have little relation to the University of Oregon campus. Additionally, OSPIRG’s system is structured in a manner that partial funding would make the organization ineffective and an even greater waste of student dollars.”

Do the Planeteers need this outlined again? Let’s go “bulletpoints” on this one, shall we?

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The fifth annual zombie walk was held on Valentines Day, described as a general screw you to the cliches of the Hallmark Holiday. Bloody festivities started at Pioneer Cemetery, where the organizer laid down the rules, including “Don’t bite anyone, don’t get in the way of traffic, and don’t overcrowd the bars.”

After waiting roughly an hour for stragglers, the horde began its grisly walk to Taylors and the festivities began. If a venue was at capacity, the almost-undead moved on to the next. Walking dead were seen at Diablo’s, John Henry’s, and the Horse Head in addition to the bars around campus.

“Bar’s love us,” remarked a participant, her mouth caked with fake blood made from starch and food coloring. Indeed, Diablo’s had gone out of its way to accommodate the walking dead with skeleton themed decor and DJ’s that played Thriller.

But all good things must end, and by the time the horde left Diablo’s, it had fractured into smaller cells, which quickly split off to go to their own pubs. See all the gruesome action below.

There has been quite a bit of talk lately about a growing political movement by newly-minted Constitutionalists called the “Tea Party movement”. It has been touted as a “grass roots rebellion” all over the conservative airwaves and news media, despite the huge names endorsing the ideas.

In an article by David Barstow, he describes the movement as being a separate mechanism away from the Republicans, and that it has a more “traditionally conservative” background.

“[A] significant undercurrent within the Tea Party movement that has less in common with the Republican Party than with the Patriot movement, a brand of politics historically associated with libertarians, militia groups, anti-immigration advocates and those who argue for the abolition of the Federal Reserve.”

Barstow’s article goes on to describe the aforementioned Constitutionalists as only recently coming to political awareness when they realized that “Washington was a threat”. Further, several of them mention the possible, if not probable, impending need for revolution, “Mrs. Stout said she felt as if she had been handed a road map to rebellion.” This theme of militias actually being called into action is widely apparent throughout Barstow’s article and in Tea Party ideals.

“In Indiana, Richard Behney, a Republican Senate candidate, told Tea Party supporters what he would do if the 2010 elections did not produce results to his liking: “I’m cleaning my guns and getting ready for the big show. And I’m serious about that, and I bet you are, too.”

What has essentially happened, however, is that the Tea Party movement has been touted so fervently by conservative media that it hardly qualifies as a grass roots movement. Last April, Fox News pushed for the Tea Parties so hard that it actually fabricated video footage in order to make a Tea Party seem larger.

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“Let the Lord penetrate you.”

The Desert Lamp is reporting that Brother Jed, our favorite “confrontational evangelical” is making his rounds around the UA campus. You know what that means: only a few short months before the rain lets up enough to let Jed and his virgin-white suit harass students and other insane people here at the University of Oregon. Hey, it’s way more fun than Nazis, no?

This flier was put in all the student programs’ mailboxes at the end of last week. Indeed, I’m sure some of you may have seen a girl in a big vagina costume walking around campus (someone saw it and told me they initially thought it was some kind of protest, which seems reasonable). Needless to say, the sight is rather odd. Especially when you consider that, by the looks of the drawing on the flier, the costume may be a tad under-contextualized. Some upturned legs or a tuft of hair at the top may do the trick next time.

The “Vaginagram” is a fundraising effort by the Women’s Center for a retreat they want to do. I’m glad to see programs are doing such fundraising (although I have to ask, what money paid for the suit? Also, where the fuck do you buy a big vagina suit?) but to be honest, I’m not so sure a singing vagina really makes that much sense. Who really connects the dots between a singing vagina and a valentine? Also, does the Men’s Center plan on following suit with a big, breakdancing cock?

These are questions I’d like answered. Preferably in song.

I highly recommend buying one of these for your friends. How often does an opportunity like this arise? It’s a no-brainer.

This swastika was spray painted on the carpet of the LGBTQA on Sunday

There has been a candlelight vigil. There has been a march. As DPS continues to investigate the spray painting of a swastika in the office of the LGBTQA, we still have yet to find any answers. And, looking at the happenings going on in the Daily Emerald columns and their comments section, many people are jumping to rather rash conclusions.

Members of the LGBTQA have already tied the swastika directly to the Pacifica Forum, as seen in today’s Emerald, “LGBTQA Co-Director Alex Esparza linked the Forum’s rhetoric to the incident and criticized the ASUO’s decision. ‘I would like to see a student government that takes a stand against acts of hate like this,’ he said as EMU staff were removing the pieces of carpet upon which the symbol was painted.”

This is a slippery slope, legally speaking, as the organizers of the Forum exercise no control over what speakers say.  So even if a speaker got up and incited the crowd to immediately go break into the LGBTQA with spray paint only the speaker would be guilty of incitement.

Of course, now from the other side (quoting here from the Emerald’s comments section) there has been much discussion as to whether or not the LGBTQA, “may have painted it on their own office floor.” Again, this is a serious allegation, one of political violence as a means to an end.

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Here is Phylicia Haggerty’s reply to ASUO Sen. Tyler Griffin’s previous email:

“Tyler,

I appreciate you writing me back. To clarify a few things 1) I am not ignorant and 2) I never said ASUO members have never been discriminated against. I did say that most of you are probably not taking this situation seriously because based on who the Pacifica forum is gearing hatred towards most of you would not classify. I think it was very unprofessional for you to say and I quote “how dare me” and that I should be ashamed of what I said. I think it is truly sad that some of the ASUO members have to thought twice about an issue that is blatantly wrong. I think it is ironic that from what I said in my e-mail that you would have the audacity to claim that you are scared of me. It is too bad that this issue probably will not be resolved until someone gets hurt. I do apologize for saying that nothing has been done about this issue because I know most of you do understand and that you are trying to find a solution. I will not be contacting you on any other circumstances and I do appreciate your time because I know you are very busy. I did contact Student Affairs and I have falsely accused ASUO Senate members in that the policy decision making is not left up to you completely in that the President makes final decisions. Thank you again for your time.

Phylicia Haggerty”

At this point in time, since Griffin hasn’t responded to Haggerty (or hasn’t forwarded us his response) we might as well take a swing at this one. Let’s start with her first e-mail, one which is astoundingly hilarious in its authors minute grasp of rational thought, or a basic concept of the U.S. Constitution.

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Today we were forwarded an e-mail correspondence between Phylicia Haggerty, a University of Oregon student, and ASUO Senator Tyler Griffin. I warn you, its contents are disturbing, for it shows the true nature of the misguidance many students have about the Pacifica Forum situation. I have my own opinions about the contents of this e-mail, but I dare not write them here, lest I take away from the incredibly intelligent, well-spoken and well-informed e-mail response Sen. Griffin replied to Haggerty with.

I hope Griffin doesn’t mind that I’ve posted this here, but I believe that such attacks on the members of the ASUO, who have been a highly deliberative body on the subject to this point, should not be subject to such ignorant attacks from members of our student body. I hope students can better inform themselves by better understanding the depth and consideration all members of the ASUO have taken on this point. All I can say is that I openly applaud Griffin for his expressed opinions within his reply. Good for you, Tyler.

From Phylicia Haggerty to Sen. Tyler Griffin:

To The Members of Our Student Senate,

I am a senior at the University of Oregon and I am very concerned for my safety. I am not understanding why the Pacifica Forum situation has not been resolved. I am getting ready to graduate in June with two degrees from this institution, which up until a week ago I was very proud to be a duck.

I have written a letter to Student affairs along with the president of this institution because I feel as though you all are clearly not responsible to make the right decision. I wish you could all sit back and take this situation personally, but you cant because your not the one being hated against. I know what you all look like and as far as I am concerned I believe there is only one person who looks like they would be hated against by this forum so I would not expect you to take this personally. I have already called the Oregonian and if you do not think this news will get out of the University of Oregon spot light you have another thing coming. If this hate group were a bunch of students of color you would have resolved this already.

Freedom of speech? Really is that all you can back your decision on. I bet that students will use their freedom of speech to take this higher than all of you. The first amendment is only applicable when it does no harm to others. Trust me, I have studied plenty of Supreme Court cases. I am very saddened that this has happened and nothing has been done about it. Being a person of color on this campus is already difficult and then to have a hate group promoting students to hate us is even worse. I hope this e-mail finds you well, but I am very frustrated and hurt that I do not feel safe to walk to class, and the fact that nothing has been done about it is beyond unbelievable. If you do not think that the diversity on this campus will decrease due to this decision you need to think again.

That is of course you probably have no concern to keep this “diverse” campus “diverse”. I urge you to sleep on your decision and attempt to take it personally before next weeks meeting. Thank you for your time.

Now, from Griffin back to Haggerty:

Phylicia,

I am sorry you feel hurt, and unsafe, and think that we are morally bankrupt people for not voting for this resolution, but..

You make me feel unsafe. And, yes at this time, because of this email you sent, I feel ashamed to be a duck. Knowing that my peers at this university are so ignorant and naïve to make such accusations of our ASUO Senators, elected by student body.

And, how dare you say we on the body have not been discriminated against! You should truly be ashamed for saying this. You trivialize the nature hate, as you are using the same rhetoric that you wish to silence.

I would encourage you to think, in more depth, what are the possible implications of your extremely false accusations.

Feel free to contact me at any point.

Senator Tyler Griffin (seat six)
EMU Board
Rules Committee Chair.

Yesterday our blog received its highest one-day traffic count ever. The site received 1,880 views yesterday, mostly due in part to two  wonderous events that, by themselves, are merely disasters.

Of course, I’m talking about  the neverending debacle that is the Pacifica Forum coupled with Daily Emerald sports writer Jonathan Marx ’s decision to run a story accusing beloved campus figure Jeremiah Masoli of stealing.

So, on behalf of the Oregon Commentator, here is staffer Pete Lesiak to present the “Golden Clusterfuck Award” to Marx and the PF respectively.

You deserve it.

Proposed State of Oregon Senate Bill 1018 has a noble cause–stopping drunk driving. Unfortunately, it also carries with it the essence of the nanny state. The bill would allow for police departments all over Oregon to set up roadblocks to catch drunk drivers.

SECTION 1. (1) As used in this section, “sobriety checkpoint” means a roadblock established for the purpose of apprehending persons who are driving while under the influence of intoxicants in violation of ORS 813.010.

Of course, anyone who’s been caught by the EPD in an end-of-the-quarter ticket sting knows that roadblocks like the ones proposed in the bill will inevitably act as a means of guaranteed tax generation. And you best believe that most of the tickets issued won’t be for “issues pertaining to sobriety”. Nay, these roadblocks act as way to nickel-and-dime ordinary citizens (or at the very least, harass them). And what better way to do it? Why have actively patrolling police officers, wasting gas and time when you can just pay a few sheriffs to hang out, let the money come to them and check to make sure everyone has their papers in order?

These laws are the precursors to systems like that of Britain, in which–I kid you not–the roads have “average speed” cameras. They don’t just take a picture of your license plate as you drive by, they actually make you average at or below a set speed between a certain distance.

I’m not sure what the state legislation is thinking on this one. Maybe they were tired of us not paying the toll for driving on the King’s road.