Meth is coming for your kids!
Yesterday the Register Guard performed its required duty as an Oregon newspaper by printing another scary story on the so-called “meth epidemic.” How scary, you say? The front-page headline reads “New fear for parents: candy-flavored meth”.
That’s right, folks. Meth is coming for your kids in delicious fruit flavors. According to the article, the street name for flavored meth is “strawberry quick.” Hmm, why not “very berry crank” or “watermelon felon?” A police officer in the article claims the new fruity meth is an attempt by dealers to branch out. From the article:
He said drug traffickers want to attract younger customers, and to do so, have devised a “package and label” that will appeal to youths.
Yes, I can imagine the local meth barons holding a board meeting and deciding they needed to “reach a new demographic” and “expand their market share,” etc. Personally, I wouldn’t get worried until the meth dealers start doing movie tie-ins and children’s toys.
July 31st, 2007 at 5:52 pm
None of this is as scary as the fact that I turned on KWVA on my way home the other night and fucking *FROG* was on there, offering his special brand of insightful political commentary.
Frog, people. You know. The fat, wheezy guy who sells joke books on 13th St. He was on the radio. He was talking politics with some sycophantic college-aged douchebag who thought being in a riot would be “pretty cool”.
It was like being trapped in the deepest, darkest, nightmarish hell all the way home. I couldn’t turn it off! I nearly ran my car head-on into a dump truck just to stop the horror.
Frog. Was. On. The. Radio.
He’s coming for your kids, people. He’s coming for you.
July 31st, 2007 at 9:20 pm
CJ - As hilarious as your snarky comment is, what do you suggest is the real reason behind the “candy-flavored meth”?
July 31st, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Vincent: I too have heard frog on KWVA. And lo, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Actually, it was a bunch of hippie kids sitting around bitching about Bush, and every now and then Frog would pipe up and say something barely comprehensible about Reagan.
Meghann: I don’t know. Meth tastes like shit? I’m just here for the chuckles.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:20 am
CJ:
What scares me most is that, as a KWVA DJ, I’ve probably sat in the same chair and used the same microphone as that guy. I can’t stop washing my hands now :(
August 1st, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Yeah, check out this video from CNN, probably one of the R-G’s sources
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHPl1h3A4n0
a similar story on USAtoday.com says that this info was released by a DEA spokesperson.
crazy druggies.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:02 pm
This is goofy. Next thing you know, some parents group is going to start suing “Big Meth” for it’s “Joe Bikethief” campaign aimed at the coveted 8-21 demographic.
My problem with this is that it’s really gonna mess up the “Micro-cook” community in this part of the country. The southern Willamette valley is becoming famous for it’s terroir among micro-cooks who value the blue-green color and aftertaste of chlorine that is unique to meth cooked in this regions bathtubs. How am I supposed to snort a rail, and then commend the cook on “the sophisticated interplay of Mexican pseudoephedrine, Acetone and Red Phosphorous, crowned by a generous, lingering nosefeel of lithium and muriatic acid” when I really feel like somebody has just shoved Fruit Loop crumbs up my nose?
August 1st, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Just another case of our consumer culture destroying everything unique and wonderful. First Christmas, now meth. What’s next?
August 1st, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Beats me, but let me know when you figure it out… I love making a buck. In fact, I now earn my beer money selling pop rocks ™ candy to 8 year olds. I tell them it’s “Strawberry Quick.” Kids are stupid.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:00 pm
I fucking love you guys.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Eat shit, Tim. And die.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:12 pm
Eat candy-flavored shit. And die.
August 2nd, 2007 at 3:25 am
Touche, sir. Touche.
August 2nd, 2007 at 7:08 am
No, I’m serious, this is the best thread on the blog in a while.
I’m packaging my new Meth Limon as we speak. It’s like Bacardi Limon, but it’ll make you scratch your face off and vacuum the house.
August 2nd, 2007 at 9:54 am
I’m cooking up a batch of Meth X-Treme. Now with more caffiene, guarana, and bleach, for extra energy!
August 2nd, 2007 at 9:57 am
Isn’t that Meth AM? Meth X-treme would have green food coloring.
August 2nd, 2007 at 10:00 am
I was actually thinking an OC “Kiddy Booze” review in Back To The Booze would be both a fitting tribute to the local emergence of strawberry meth and a fantastic excuse to work on my forthcoming diabetic emergency. Not to mention getting a good old fashioned, Dan Atkinson-style adjective workout. I get dibs on tasting “Mikes Hard Soy Formula.”
August 2nd, 2007 at 10:12 am
“Bacardi Breast Milk”?
August 5th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
“Bombay Pacifier”?
August 5th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
PediaSure Old No. 7
August 5th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Dammit, click on this one. Stupid photobucket ruining my virtual comedic timing …
August 10th, 2007 at 7:32 am
I can only see one reason for candy flavored meth, ” Hey kids want some candy?” Seriously, it exists and so does “cheese.” Guess what that stuff is wrapped in to make it go down easier. Almost all the property crime and theft in Lane county can be attributed to meth users trying to make a buck. Look around very carefully and you can see these people everywhere. I might call that a bit of a large scale problem. Unlike some other habitual drug abusers, meth heads have a much harder time hiding the symptoms of their problem for any period of time. I see these people walking all over the place. The other day I spotted one walking around Valley River Mall (Yes VRC not Gateway) with bolt cutters sticking out of his backpack. Hint he does not use those to cut bolts. Look for massive weight loss (skeletal and sunken features), twitchy and quick movements (depends on when they last used), the open weepy sores, chemical burns and three distinct moods based on last period of use (happy & chatty, depressed and frightened, angry and borderline murderous rage). Remember to put on your oxygen mask first then assist others. Kermit out.
August 10th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Why are there so many, songs about rainbows, and what’s on the oooother side?
August 10th, 2007 at 11:15 am
I’m guessing because hippies write a lot of music.