After suffering through classes involving Samurai films and battle-logged movies, I finally had a stroke of brilliance. This piece you are about to read is a Literary Attempt to explain the 2007 ASUO Student Elections.

The aftermath of the Battle of Rippey Auditorium was bloody, and was considered the turning point of the War of University Hill. When the smoke cleared, Lieutenant Colonel Richard Nile’s Independent Marine division was decimated, and Colonel Ted Niedermeyer’s Anti-Douchebaggery Regiment lay in ruins. The battle lasted for 4 days, with all different weapons used. In the end, two sides came out standing. Colonel Sara Hamilton’s 1^st Marine Division, consisting of the 1^st, 7^th, and 11^th Regiments, stood as a force to be reckoned with after the battles of Beall Hall and Hayward Field. The opponent that she had not vanquished stood across the battlefield, Colonel Emily McLain of the infamous Red Guard. As a major force, McLain took victories at the battles of Basement Gulch and International Row. As of this moment, the stage was set.

Before the battle of Rippey Auditorium, Hamilton’s forces, including the 5^th Marine Regiment commanded by Lieutenant Colonel Jacob Daniels and nicknamed “Senate Regiment”, worked to cement their positions. Lieutenant Colonel Athan “Zorba” Papailiou, commanding the 11^th Regiment and standing by Colonel Hamilton’s side, was effective at defending the flanks of Hamilton’s 1^st and 7^th. Their forces worked together to keep the southern half of University Hill as their own. Eventually, Hamilton and Papailiou would receive assistance in the small Anti-Douchebaggery Regiment that would be brought forth by now Major Ted Niedermeyer. This regiment of 53 marines (after having ranks of over 2000) were absorbed into the ranks of Papailiou’s 4^th Battalion 11^th Marines. The upcoming battles were going to be bloody.

On the other side, McLain’s forces were hurting. They barely squeaked through the major battle at Rippey Auditorium, and were regrouping. She found allies in former Colonels like Ari “The Rapper” Lesser of the appropriately named “Campbell Club” regiment, and Colonel Paul Kammerzelt of the X Factor Regiment (Colonel Ty Schwoefferman was hit by a stray bullet from a member of the Multicultural regiment and found lying face down at the Retreat of Heart of Campus.) All of these forced joined together to fight as one united Red Guard, commanded by Lieutenant Colonel Chii-San “The Crying Sun” Sun-Owen.

With the stage set, the bloody week that was the War of University Hill began. At the outset, Hamilton’s forces fought with gusto. At the battle of Kincaid Gate, Red Guard spies were slain as they tried to rally the peasants of Breeze Village and Kinsrow Landing. The 2^nd Battalion 1^st Marines, led by Major Neil Brown, were able to celebrate in the village at Rennie’s Landing later that night, before rejoining the 1^st Marines for day 2. Similarly, at the battle of Law School Hill, Lieutenant Colonel Jacqueline Justice routed major Red Guard forces in order to secure Law School Hill once and for all.

Throughout the University Hill battlefields, minor events cropped up in that would keep each battalion on their toes. At the battle of Hawthorne, peasant forces allied with the Pac-8 (Now officially the PAC-5) Mercenary group attempted to rout Major Keith Bassett’s forces, while at the battle of Schaefer Hall, Papailiou’s forces overtook the mercenaries and forced them to retreat to one of their strongholds, Collier Dormitory. It would be soon that these mercenaries, led by Mai the Black and Jael the Puce, would have to join forces with the Red Guard. But, they held out hope for just one more battle.

The Second day of the campaign was essentially a replay of Day 1, except for the important players. Major Jacob Brennan led two battalions at the Battle of Spiller Green to victory, cementing Spiller Green for Hamilton’s camp. This would push the Pac-5 Mercenaries back to Heart of Campus, where they would find no other choice but to join along with the Red Guard in order to survive. Red Guard forces fortified their positions at Heart of Campus and Erb Amphitheater, while the battle of Gilbert Quad went solidly to the Hamilton camp, Led by Niedermeyer’s 4^th Battalion 11^th Marines. Hamilton’s forces were poised on the edge of victory, and ready to pounce onto Day 3. The battle of the Great Halls would be the key for Hamilton’s forces.

Day 3 started out like any other, with Red Guard forces encroaching on key segments on Hamilton’s domain, and the Red Guard being smacked down by Hamilton’s forces. That is until the night of the third day. Like Brutus to Caesar, Hamilton had her own attempted assassination attempt, as perpetrated by the cowardly mercenary Erica the Hated. By having members of the Justice League distract Hamilton, Erica the Hated attempted to end Hamilton’s campaigning days. Unfortunate for Erica, her stabbing only affected Hamilton’s leg. This would cause Hamilton to retreat to the sidelines at the Battle of the Great Halls, but she would still be present for the continued treachery of the night.

The Battle of the Great Halls was led by Majors Natalie Kinsey and Kyle McKenzie against a seemingly hopeless court jester that everyone knew as “Gulley The Rainbow”. To the majors’ surprise, “Gulley The Rainbow” brought with forces of his own, surprising the Justice battalion and diverting the attention while his forces attempted to end their lives. While wounded by the Race Saber, the supposedly fearsome weapon of the court jester, Kinsey and McKenzie would live to see another day. Gulley the Rainbow seemed victorious, until Major Niedermeyer used a dagger to slice off Gulley’s jester robes, allowing them to show Gulley’s shriveled pride for the entire world to see. The magnitude of seeing the jester in his natural form, with barely anything to back his claims, showed the world how much of a sniveling wreck he was. The Battle of the Great Halls was a win for the Red Guard, but one of Colonel McLain’s major allies in the court jester was now sidelined in the hallowed halls of Suite Four.

The battle would cause problems for Hamilton on day four. The battle at Heart of Campus was particularly bloody, and would prove to be a little too much for Hamilton and her Marines to bear. With skirmishes happening all day long, Hamilton’s forces were getting tired. In the meantime, Lieutenant Colonel Daniels and Senate Regiment ran through the Greek Quadrant, rallying support with a strength that was unmatched by other forces. This would prove to be important as day 5 rolled along.

Reports in the early morning hours of Day 5 had the Red Guard down to it’s last 1700 troops, while Hamilton’s camp was hovering just above 1800. Daniels’s Senate regiment would not be taking Hamilton’s side at the main battle for the day, the Battle at Collier House, but would instead be following a route procedure to make certain that their holdings were secure. This would be a decision that lead to a major surprise later that day.

Hamilton’s forces, the 1^st, 7^th, and 11^th Marine Regiments went into battle at Collier House, attacking Red Guard troops as they defended from the powerful advance towards Heart of Campus. The Red Guard would do everything to secure Heart of Campus, and to keep it’s objective. Hours wore on, the battle grew long, and finally, when the smoke cleared at 5:25PM on day 5, 173 members of the Red Guard stood silently. They looked to the east, and stood in triumph. Hamilton, from her perch just to the south near Spiller Green, acknowledged that the campaign for control of University Hill was not going to happen this year, and that her next chance to battle one on one with McLain would have to come later. Hamilton acknowledged this, as she called back her forces and crossed back over Spiller Green. What was a happy moment for the Red Guard would 5 minutes later turn to utter and extreme shock, as the twist of battle would prove to be true.

Daniels’s Senate Regiment, with all battalions attached, ran from Hayward Field to the Senate Grounds, and this is where the Battle for The Senate would occur earlier. For 2 to 2 and a half hours, Daniels and his men battled against the former Pac-5 mercenaries and the Green Regiment of the Red Guard, routing them and taking over the Senate Grounds for the Hamilton camp. This routing killed much of the celebration that was taking place, as Collier House was no more than 500 feet away from the Senate Grounds. In this battle, the turncoat known as Erica the Hated retreated into the hallowed halls of Suite Four, where she herself committed political seppuku in advance of her potential doom. Even “Gulley The Rainbow” retreated to the hallowed halls as well, knowing that his tasks would be even harder with everyone’s knowledge of the secret that lie behind his court jester robes.

The final pact is to be signed and agreed upon on May 23^rd, and for one year, hostilities will cease as immigrants come in to replace those who had fallen during the War of University Hill.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 1st, 2007 at 4:42 pm by Miles and is filed under ASUO, Campus, Politics, Snark. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.