An Open Letter to Linda Gampert, Pulse Editor
Linda, I apologize for this post. I really, really, really do. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person, and you’ve got a very nice smile — perfect teeth I’d say. And I agree — reading is sexy. But we need to talk. We need to have a little one-on-one chin wag about your columns.
First of all, columns are supposed to be about something, anything. I know, I know … you’re the Pulse editor. You write about pop culture and entertainment and diversions. I get it. Trust me, I get it. But this … this, this thing … I mean, um, God … I’m speechless. It reads like a Myspace blog post but with less cohesion. It leaves me with so many questions.
Let’s start with women? On MySpace I’ve noticed women who pose in their underwear trying to look all sexy, as if they pray that by showing their ass they will get more friends (I’m sure they do but what kind of friends are they anyway?). Annoys the hell out of me.
First, what’s the deal with the question mark? Do you really need that parenthetical aside? And why end the paragraph with an unnecessary sentence fragment? Your column leaves me scratching my head — to the point where I’m afraid it won’t stop bleeding.
Your next paragraph, thankfully, raises some questions but also answers some questions.
I cringe at what some men think about women. I don’t want to do it with a bunch of girls, like porn stars.
Clearly you had me — nay, all males — pegged, as the whole time I was reading this column I couldn’t stop thinking: “Hmmm, I wonder if she wants to do it with a bunch of girls, like porn stars?” But then-BAM-outta the blue, like the great big heterosexual rhetorician you are, you unequivocally deny any sapphic desires. Kudos.
Continuing:
It drives me up the wall what’s going on in our country right now. Who gives a rat’s ass who marries who? How does two men getting married have any effect on your own marriage, tell me because I would love to know.
You know what drives me up the wall? Writers who use who and whom interchangeably and riddle their sentences with glaring comma splices. Oh, and airline peanuts; I mean, what’s the deal?
The complete fascination with celebrity culture is also getting a bit out of hand. As my friend’s sister said the other day, they pretend for a living, they aren’t doing anything that great to advance the world. Musicians are a bit different because some of them are geniuses and music is one of the greatest things in the world.
I can’t comment on these sentences. Your logic is simply too solid.
And how do you end it all, Linda?
Well, that’s the end of this week’s rant. Feels good to get some things of my chest, pun intended.
Well, since you wrote your column like a Myspace posting, I may as well respond to it like a Myspace posting: ROFLOL :)*
July 27th, 2006 at 10:32 pm
OMG! STFU! Seriously, though, have you *seen* those chicks on Myspace? They are a bit different because some of them are geniuses and attention-starved, underage sluts are one of the greatest things in the world.
July 28th, 2006 at 12:14 am
What a waste of fucking paper. Please get your head out of your ass Ms. Gampert. Then again, maybe that’s the best way to feel “the pulse.”
July 28th, 2006 at 7:19 am
What I never gave much thought to before reading Gampert’s column is that for as sexy as reading is, redaing is so much sexier. I found myself wishing I could reda the column instead of read it, thereby increasing my sexiness.
July 28th, 2006 at 1:12 pm
“I admit it; I don’t like writing columns. First off, it’s hard to come up with an idea because you can literally write on anything.”
Well, I’m not sure you’d be able to write ON anything, but you could probably write ABOUT anything - or maybe you can’t…. :(
July 28th, 2006 at 1:14 pm
“I don’t want to do it with a bunch of girls, like porn stars portray, and my breasts are small, soft and natural, not gigantic watermelons filled with manufactured materials.”
I’ll be the judge of small, soft and natural missy.
July 28th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
A sufficiently motivated person can write on, about, and with anything.
July 28th, 2006 at 2:44 pm
But can she literally do it? Well she’s told us what she doesn’t want to do - now I want to know what she does want to do.
July 28th, 2006 at 2:53 pm
For example, Tim, toilet paper.
July 28th, 2006 at 4:37 pm
“The complete fascination with celebrity culture is also getting a bit out of hand.”
Wait … now I may be totally off-base here, but isn’t she the editor of the pulse section, of which half of the printed material is news briefs about celebrities? I guess I could have been dreaming when I read all about about Brad Garrett’s next project, or that I can go to myheritage.com and find out which celebrity I look like the most out of their database, all of which was in the pulse section today.
And, you know, what kind of self-respecting woman wouldn’t put her goods on display on myspace? I mean, how else are you supposed to meet other barely-legal sexy lesbians to have a topless pillow fight so 14 year old guys and Andy can live the dream? Linda, jealousy and denial get you nowhere in life. Personally, I know my ass has made me plenty of friends — just because yours can’t do the same doesn’t mean you have to be bitter about it!
July 28th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
Hey! Keep your laws off my fantasies!
July 28th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
Posting pictures of yourself in undies on myspace vs. Writing a column in the college daily about your breasts being “small, soft and natural.”
Which is more desperate and sad? You decide.
Oh yeah, and if you don’t like celebrities and you don’t like writing columns, and you can’t spell “reading” why the hell are you editor of Pulse? Damn girl, you make “Fourplay” look like the Economist.
July 28th, 2006 at 10:49 pm
Oh yeah, and if you don’t like celebrities and you don’t like writing columns, and you can’t spell “reading” why the hell are you editor of Pulse? Damn girl, you make “Fourplay” look like the Economist.
This makes me cry on the inside.
July 29th, 2006 at 6:52 pm
Man, I hope you wimps checked out the Scholars Symposium for 9/11 truth on CSPAN today. Seriously, whats it gonna take to win you clowns over?
July 30th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
And the discussion takes an ominous turn …
July 30th, 2006 at 4:22 pm
Shaheen: We’re having a snark session. You’re not invited. GTFO.
July 30th, 2006 at 7:45 pm
I like pie.
July 30th, 2006 at 8:17 pm
I like small, soft and natural pie.
July 30th, 2006 at 9:13 pm
That’s the best kind.
July 31st, 2006 at 12:35 pm
I don’t like the kind of pies that fly out of my computer, hitting me in my brightly painted face every time I try to look up “9-11 Conspiracy” on the internet. Time to put on my giant shoes and hop into my tiny car and drive down to the complaint desk. Maybe they’ll help me if I, I dunno, maybe pull some flowers out of my sleeve or something.
July 31st, 2006 at 2:09 pm
Just admit you guys were wrong and I am playing a crucial part in opening your eyes. Come on, guys. No biggie.
July 31st, 2006 at 2:59 pm
Umm…except for the bit where we’re not wrong and you’re just pissing us off by wasting our bandwidth that’s exactly right.
July 31st, 2006 at 4:18 pm
I challenge any one of you guys to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Osama bin Ladin was the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks. I challenge you to explain to me how WTC 1 and 2 collapsed without explosives. I challenge you to tell me how WTC 7 collapsed the way it did, and I challenge you to show me how Hani Hanjour piloted a Boeing into the Pentagon 1 hour after planes struck the trade centers. Show me the evidence since you seem so sure of yourselves. Winner gets $100. You have my word. Bitches.
July 31st, 2006 at 4:56 pm
She kidnapped herself dude, you said it yourself………
July 31st, 2006 at 6:00 pm
You’re right, Shaheen! We give in. Because you are clearly a cracker-jack ace investigative reporter, we are relinguishing control of the OC to you. Sorry, Ted, but last year’s board of directors re-convened, and in light of Shaheen’s overwhelming evidence of a high-level conspiracy to blow up the WTC and Pentagon, we gave him the position. You have 24 hours to clean out your desk.
July 31st, 2006 at 6:31 pm
Wait, are we clowns, bitches, wimps, or jokers? I need to know what student union I’m supposed to join/form.
July 31st, 2006 at 7:46 pm
Duder or El Dudarino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing makes my day on such a regular basis
August 1st, 2006 at 11:57 am
Shaheen: this isn’t ‘nam … this is a blog. There are rules.
August 2nd, 2006 at 12:32 am
If that guy is a cracker-jack ace reporter, then can we put him back in the box?
I don’t like this prize.
August 5th, 2006 at 8:06 pm
Dear Andy: If you were a better journalist you would think to check the paper version of my column against the online version. You would then realize that they are very different thanks to bad formatting, not my lack of grammar skills. If I ever wrote a sentence that went “Let’s start with women?” I would kick my own ass. Everything else I wrote is my own train of thought and I’m not apologizing or defending any of it. Agree to disagree.
August 5th, 2006 at 9:03 pm
I read them both Linda, and they were both unabashedly poor. And Andy and I don’t agree on almost anything.
August 7th, 2006 at 8:24 am
Dear Linda: I’m not a journalist, and my remarks had NOTHING to do with formatting. You might want to defend your “own train of thought” because everyone else thinks you’ve derailed off a bridge.
Oh WAIT!!! YOU’RE THE EDITOR! YOUR JOB IS TO DEFEND YOUR EDITORIAL AGENDA YOU TARD!
Damn this is going to be an awesome year for us Ted!
Emily - we both agree that guns are fun! And that’s all that really matter to me ;)
August 7th, 2006 at 9:54 am
Andy - you just made my day. I haven’t seen such good use of the word tard since Ted spilled coffee all over himself in class!
August 7th, 2006 at 10:36 am
Linda, if you read this, here’s a good question to ask yourself - will I be proud to show my writing to my family and future employers? I stalked you on the facebook, and you seem like a decent person - so show people that with your writing.
But most of all, don’t critque my journalist (in)abilities when you have opened your mouth and removed all doubt of your complete stupidity.
August 7th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
Andy, didn’t you get the memo? The preferred nomenclature is “re re”.
August 7th, 2006 at 5:23 pm
Mmmm- so Linda, we know it’s summer right now and there’s like 8, maybe 9 people reading the ‘Ol Dirty. It doesn’t mean you can just phone ‘em in and expect people to believe you’re not just another in a long line of stunningly mediocre Emerald writers. Also, it’s gonna set a mighty low bar for when you are 4 columns into the year and you’ve run out of ideas…
Andy- yes, yes it is…
August 7th, 2006 at 6:20 pm
Of course, to be fair, at least Linda is responding to the formatting critique… a certain Fourplay columnist remains aloof to all criticism. Goes with the territory for ethics columnists I guess…